Olives

They're bitter and sour: two flavors that are decidedly unpleasant and vastly inferior to their counterparts, like sweet, salty, and spicy (I realize olives can be made to have these flavors too, but I'm dealing in baselines here, people).  Why would I sell myself short by noshing on bitter, sour olives, when I could instead be feasting on a delightfully sweet & salty Pay Day bar?  Exactly...

Canned Tuna

I like tuna sushi and grilled tuna steaks, but the canned stuff smells and tastes like old dead fish, which is gross.  Moreover, it requires mayonnaise (see below) to make the texture palatable.  Also, think of the dolphins!  When I think of the dolphins, I wonder if they wouldn't make a tastier snack than this nasty shit.  I would eat a dolphin.

Grapefruit

(see: Olives)  Also, any supposed fruit that requires extra sugar to prevent me from making this face should be expelled by its high-fructose brethren for sullying the tasty reputation of the fruit family.

Mayonnaise

Want some mysterious white goo slathered on that sandwich, sir?  None for me, thanks.  Chipotle mayo gets a free pass, though, as do the sauces they serve with Belgian frites. 

Rat

Sure, it's lean and chock full of protein, but frankly it's just a little too gamy for my taste.  Also, the fur is a real bummer.  At least the dolphins are smooth...

It's a question I've often asked myself (results still pending), and I suspect that you're no different.  Well, thankfully for you, I've devised a simple didactic test to discover whether or not you are indeed an asshole.  Here goes:

Do you neglect to say "thank you" when someone blesses you after a sneeze?

I have heard atheists defend this practice, stating that, because of their denial of the existence of a supreme giver-of-blessings, they don't feel obliged to respond politely when someone says "Bless you" after they sneeze.  Look, infidels: it doesn't matter what you believe in; unless you believe in exercising the exact opposite of common courtesy, not saying a simple "Thanks" when someone (even a complete stranger) has taken the time and energy to express his or her wishes for your continued wellbeing makes you an asshole.

Do you sing along with Beatles songs you hear in public?

Everyone knows the lyrics to "Yellow Submarine," douchebag.  Sure, the Beatles' songs were hella catchy, but we don't need you to remind us what they would sound like if, instead of the venerable John, Paul, George, and Ringo, they were performed by a gay, deaf Russian sailor.  And by the way, your fake English accent is terrible.

Have you ever paid more than $20 for half a garment?

That $58 Dolce & Gabbana "wifebeater" tank top?  That $69 Ben Sherman sweater vest?  Those $32 American Apparel short-shorts?  You, sir, have been duped by your consumerist society.  Buying anything that expensive which functions only for the express purpose of being a truncated version of another article of clothing makes you an asshole, as well as an idiot.

Do you operate a bar or nightclub that doesn't serve beer?

I want a beer.  Give me a goddamn beer.  I waited in line to get in here, got heckled by the high-school-dropout bouncer, paid the $12 cover charge, and you can't even indulge my preference for a cold, sudsy brew?!  You can take your $8 glass of Dewar's and shove it right up your ass, you jerk-off.  I'll be down the street at a real bar, hanging out with ugly people, drinking $2 PBRs, and actually enjoying myself.

Do you ride on a Segway while your pretty date walks alongside you?

I saw a guy doing this last night at Houston & Elizabeth St. -- I'm not making this up.  The guy was electro-scootering down the sidewalk at a leisurely pace while his (assuredly embarrassed and inexplicably attractive) date carried her shopping bags and walked alongside.  Then -- get this! -- the dude sped up to make it across Houston before the little white walking man turned into the foreboding orange hand of doom.  Left his lady-friend in the dust.  I couldn't decide whether to laugh at how pathetic the guy was or to punch him right in the nuts (conveniently located right at fist level, thanks to his perch atop the Segway).  Wishing to avoid a nasty confrontation in front of that weird tent place with the old furniture, the movie props, and the big scary Santa Claus, I opted for the former.